I waited for my Adderall to kick in because I needed to be fully locked in on the hottest topic in the country. This might end up being a weekly thing once my new podcast launches next month. So let me say this upfront: if you’ve got thin skin or get offended easily, this post isn’t for you.
I’m about to toss grenades, flamethrowers, and smart bombs at both parties and roast the hell out of them. Not just the elected officials — every cable news outlet, every hate‑radio loudmouth, and every wannabe political “expert” with a podcast who keeps adding fuel to the circus we’re stuck in.
And if all that doesn’t get the job done, I’ll unleash the ultimate weapon known to mankind — pure satire. I’ll go to every zoo in America, set free the chimps, orangutans, gorillas, and baboons, hand them imaginary weapons, and let them run the show. Before anyone clutches their pearls, relax — I’m not actually starting a real‑life Planet of the Apes uprising. It’s called satire. I’m using monkeys, chimps, and baboons because they’re the only ones left who haven’t screwed up this country. At least if they took over Congress, they’d fling something honest for once.
Honestly, at this point, handing the government over to a bunch of zoo escapees might actually improve things. They’d probably balance the budget faster than Congress — and they wouldn’t spend three months arguing about what color the Speaker’s tie should be. My only request is simple: don’t mess with the internet, and don’t have swinger parties in my hot tub.
And before anyone thinks I’m just ranting for entertainment, let me make something clear: I have ADHD — and one of our superpowers is fact‑checking like a machine. We don’t just skim headlines; we dive into respectable, non‑partisan sources and cross‑reference everything until the truth practically screams at us. I’ll be posting exactly where my information came from, so nobody can say I pulled it out of thin air.
Now that the comedy warm‑up is over, let’s get into why I’m even writing this. Because somewhere between the endless scandals, the finger‑pointing, the cable‑news meltdowns, and the “BREAKING NEWS” banners that break absolutely nothing, both parties managed to prove one thing beyond a shadow of a doubt: they’re not fighting for us — they’re fighting for themselves.
Democrats and Republicans have turned politics into a reality show where the plot never changes, the actors never improve, and the audience keeps getting blamed for bad ratings. Every week it’s another crisis, another press conference, another round of “It’s THEIR fault,” while nothing actually gets fixed. It’s like watching two toddlers argue over who broke the lamp while the house burns down behind them.
And here’s the part that really fries my circuits: they think we don’t notice. They think we’re too distracted, too divided, too exhausted to call them out. But Americans aren’t stupid — we’re fed up. We’re tired of being told to pick a side when both sides keep dropping the ball, losing the plot, and blaming the refs. This isn’t about left or right. This is about competence. This is about accountability. This is about the fact that the two‑party system has become a clogged toilet nobody wants to unclog. And if you think that’s harsh, trust me — I’m being polite.
At some point — and I can’t tell you the exact day because my ADHD brain doesn’t timestamp emotional breakdowns — I realized I wasn’t just annoyed with politics. I was exhausted by it. I was tired of waking up to another headline that sounded like it was written by a drunk screenwriter on a deadline. I was tired of watching grown adults in Washington act like middle‑schoolers fighting over who gets the last slice of pizza. I was tired of being told to “stay informed” when half the information out there is designed to make me lose my mind.
It hit me during one of those endless political debates — you know, the ones where nobody answers the question, everyone interrupts each other, and the moderators look like they’re regretting every life choice that led them to that stage. I remember thinking: “This isn’t a debate. This is a reality show with worse lighting.” I kept waiting for someone to get voted off the island or for a dramatic plot twist, but all I got was two people arguing about who loves America more.
And that’s when it clicked. We’re stuck in a system that doesn’t reward solutions — it rewards drama. It rewards outrage. It rewards whoever can yell the loudest without passing out. Meanwhile, the rest of us are sitting here trying to pay bills, raise families, stay sane, and figure out why our elected officials can’t do the bare minimum without turning it into a national crisis.
I’m not asking for perfection. I’m asking for adults. I’m asking for leaders who don’t treat every disagreement like a personal insult. I’m asking for people who understand that governing isn’t supposed to be performance art. And if that’s too much to ask, then maybe — just maybe — it’s time to stop pretending the two‑party system is the only game in town. Because right now, it feels less like a political system and more like a hostage situation where the ransom note is written in all caps.
And here’s the thing nobody wants to admit: tribalism is baked into us. It’s not a modern invention — it’s a human survival mechanism that goes all the way back to the beginning of our species. We’re talking tens of thousands of years of “my group vs. your group,” “my fire pit vs. your fire pit,” “my cave vs. your cave.” Hell, it might go back 65,000 years. Let that sink in. We’ve been forming teams since before we figured out how to cook meat properly.
So of course, politics triggers tribal behavior. Of course, people run to their corners. Of course, they surround themselves with others who think exactly like they do. It’s instinct. It’s primal. It’s the same part of the brain that made early humans decide which group got to hunt mammoths and which group got stuck gathering berries.
But here’s the problem: tribalism might’ve helped us survive the Ice Age, but it’s absolutely wrecking our ability to survive election season. Because once politics kicks in, everyone suddenly becomes a die‑hard member of Team Red or Team Blue, and they treat anyone outside their group like they’re trying to steal their food supply. It’s not logic. It’s not policy. It’s not thoughtful debate. It’s pure, unfiltered, ancient human wiring.
And here’s where tribalism really screws us: once people pick a political tribe, they stop thinking — they start defending. They stop questioning — they start repeating. They stop listening — they start yelling. It doesn’t matter what the facts are, what the data says, or what actually happened. Once someone’s brain locks onto “my team,” logic packs its bags and takes a long vacation.
You can show someone a verified, non‑partisan source, and they’ll still say, “Fake news.” You can show them video evidence, and they’ll say, “Out of context.” You can show them a direct quote, and they’ll say, “That’s not what they meant.” Tribal loyalty becomes stronger than reality. Stronger than evidence. Stronger than common sense. It’s like watching people argue with gravity.
And the politicians LOVE this. They feed it like it’s their favorite pet. They know tribalism keeps us divided, emotional, and easy to manipulate. They know if they keep us fighting each other, we won’t notice how little they’re actually doing. They know if they keep us scared of “the other tribe,” we’ll never stop to ask why both tribes keep failing us.
And let me be brutally honest here — I don’t think most politicians are in it for us. I think they’re in it for the paycheck, the perks, the free healthcare, and the pension that magically appears after barely doing anything. It’s the easiest payday in America. Congress from both houses only work average 187 days to 200. There are 365 days a year. 357 when you add leap year. Let thank sink in.
They get full benefits, full protection, full salary, and full excuses. Meanwhile, the rest of the working class gets average 11 paid vacation days the 1 st year and up to 15 days after five years. Then it's about 20 days with 20 years working. Not taking to account any sick days if offered by their employers. See where I'm going with these stats? You're out there busting you ass to survive and feed your families living paycheck to paycheck and our elected officials are enjoying the life on the backs of the American taxpayers taking exotic vacations traveling the world on our dime. You all ok with that?
Cut their salaries in half. Make them all go on the Affordable Care Act like everyone else. No special treatment. No VIP healthcare. No golden parachutes. If they want to represent the people, they should live like the people. And while we’re at it — term limits. Real ones. Not this “forty years in office” nonsense. Nobody should be able to turn public service into a lifelong career of collecting checks and avoiding accountability.
And don’t get me started on corporate America. Because if politicians are the biggest takers, corporate giants are the biggest collectors — and they’re not shy about it. They take subsidies, tax breaks, incentives, bailouts, and loopholes like it’s a buffet. And yes, Elon Musk is at the front of that line. He wouldn’t be the richest man on the planet without massive federal tax subsidies helping launch SpaceX, Tesla, and who knows how many other ventures. Our tax dollars helped build his empire.
And I haven’t even touched the oil companies yet. The ones who rake in billions, get government breaks, and then act like they’re doing us a favor by charging us less than a kidney for gas. Corporate America and politicians have been dancing together for decades, and we’re the ones paying for the music.
But here’s the part that’s going to make some people uncomfortable… because everything I’ve said so far? That’s just the warm‑up. That’s just the appetizer. That’s just me stretching before the real workout. Because the political realm — the whole damn thing — is about to get the full Mike treatment. And once I start pulling back the curtain on how deep this goes, how long it’s been happening, and how much we’ve been manipulated…
You’re not going to look at politics the same way again.
And trust me… if you thought this was me going off, you haven’t seen anything yet. The next chapter is where I stop pulling punches and start swinging at the entire political universe — every layer, every player, every game they’ve been running behind our backs.
These are my words and my words are backed by facts. So, break out your Smart Phones for the follow up this coming Monday.
Btw. It's called a smart phone for a reason.
It's Smarter than us.
Are you Angry Yet?
Back to All StoriesBy Michael Ashton ·